The Reflection We Don’t Always Want to See
When was the last time you looked in the mirror and said, “Damn, I look good”? Be honest—probably never. Most of us zero in on the flaws: the wrinkle here, the pimple there, the stubborn lines that refuse to smooth out no matter how hard you pull at your face.
And here’s the kicker: the way you nitpick yourself in the mirror is the same way you nitpick everyone else. What you can’t stand in others usually has roots in what you can’t stand in yourself. Before criticizing, ask yourself – how am I like that?
You don’t hate them. You hate the part of yourself they remind you of.
Why We Rip People Apart
We like to believe criticism is about them—their mistakes, their shortcomings, their annoying quirks. But nine times out of ten, it’s not. Criticism is projection. It’s a spotlight on the junk we’d rather not deal with – in ourselves.
· That co-worker who drives you nuts because they’re always late? Maybe they’re poking at your own anxiety about control.
· That friend whose confidence feels “too much”? Maybe they’re holding up a mirror to the confidence you wish you had.
· That person who always seems “too happy”? Maybe they’re shining a light on how disconnected you’ve become from your own joy.
Every person you criticize is just another mirror—
showing you what you’ve been avoiding in yourself.
Meet Your Inner Judge (and Its Ugly Crew)
I’ve written about the dreaded inner voice before. Lately, I’m a few weeks into an eight-week Positive Intelligence cohort with Shirzad Chamine – and about 750 other coaches. This inner voice isn’t anonymous, it’s familiar—it has a name, it’s yours and it’s relentless. Until you figure out how to shut it down, it runs the show – and your life.
Meet the Judge. It’s never satisfied, never quiet. It tears into you first… and then it spreads the misery like wildfire to everyone around you.
And the Judge doesn’t work solo. It’s got backup:
· The Stickler: Obsessed with perfection.
· The Controller: Can’t stand when things don’t go their way.
· The Hyper-Achiever: Measures everyone against impossible standards.
· The Hyper-Rational: Turns every feeling into a math problem.
· The Avoider: Pretends problems don’t exist (until they explode).
· The Victim: Always the star of the tragedy show.
· The Pleaser: Can’t say no, even when it costs them.
· The Restless: Always chasing the next shiny thing.
· The Hyper-Vigilant: Sees danger in every shadow.
Together, they turn you into a critic factory. And guess what? No one—including you—ever comes out ahead.
It might look and sound like this: something does not go the way you expected, so the judge pokes the controller and your mind spirals. Time gets lost – and time is the one thing you never get back.
How many of the above saboteurs live in your head?
What’s Really Behind the Criticism
Here’s the uncomfortable truth: criticism is a cover-up.
Fear dresses itself up as control.
Insecurity hides behind judgment.
Disappointment gets repackaged as nitpicking and criticism.
It feels safer to tear someone else down than to admit what’s going on inside. But it’s a false safety—because the more you project outward, the less you deal with the real reflection staring back at you.
The harshest words you throw at others are usually meant for yourself. Hard truth.
Breaking the Cycle: Curiosity Over Criticism
Here’s the shift: next time you catch yourself ripping someone apart (in your head or out loud), hit pause. Ask yourself:
Is this about them, or is this about me?
What’s the saboteur whispering right now?
What would happen if I swapped criticism for curiosity?
Curiosity disarms the Judge. Compassion shuts it down completely. And when you start treating yourself with less venom, it becomes damn near impossible to keep poisoning everyone else.
Curiosity is criticism’s kryptonite.
The Raw Reframe
The face in the mirror is yours. Every jab, every judgment, every criticism you hurl—it starts there. And until you face it, you’ll keep seeing distorted reflections in everyone around you.
You don’t fix the mirror by smashing the glass.
You fix it by facing what’s staring back.
The Mirror Test
This week – don’t just glance in the mirror—study it.
Notice the thoughts that surface. Then, when you catch yourself criticizing someone else, stop and ask:
What part of myself am I actually looking at?
It’s raw. It’s uncomfortable. But it’s the only way to stop mistaking your reflection for someone else’s flaws.
The face in the mirror isn’t your enemy—it’s your teacher.
That’s My Rant – Now Here’s the Reset
The next time your critical voice pipes up—whether it’s in your head or spilling out of your mouth—hit pause.
Take 30 seconds. Breathe. Notice where the stress is sitting in your body.
If your mind won’t shut up, give it something simple to do:
Count your breaths.
Name what you hear: car passing, wind in the trees, my heartbeat.
Practice Empathy
This isn’t fluff—it’s a reset. It pulls you out of left-brain overdrive and drops you back into right-brain curiosity. And curiosity is where the critic loses its grip.
The Judge can’t breathe when you do.
The Mindset Shift
At the end of the day, it’s all about mindset.
Your saboteurs keep you locked in a fixed mindset—a lens that says, “This is who I am. This is who they are. Nothing can change.” It’s judgment on repeat.
But when you step into curiosity, compassion, and creativity—you shift into a growth mindset. Suddenly, mistakes become lessons. Flaws become teachers. And that face in the mirror? It’s no longer an enemy to fight—it’s a partner in growth.
Mindset is the difference between living hijacked by the Judge…
or living led by your Sage.
Want to know which Saboteurs are lurking in your mind? Take the Free Saboteur Assessment at Positive Intelligence: https://www.positiveintelligence.com/saboteurs/
I put my judge in a straitjacket, and a muzzle. Ask me how.
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